blind sided

Over the past few months or so I have been bombarded with different stories of Christian leaders falling into very public sins. Stories of pastors cheating on their wives or vice versa, priests in the Catholic church getting involved with sexual scandals, Christian artists getting involved with each others' spouses in not-so-melodic love triangles...sadly, the list goes on. And part of me knows in the years to come it will continue to expand.

I see these controversies on a large scale, and then I think about myself as a leader in the church on a much smaller scale. I do not pastor or shepherd a congregation...but I have had 12-15 people under my charge every Tuesday night for the past few months. I will probably never write a song that is sung all over the world, blessing the hearts of millions...but I use my mouth to speak life into the people around me on a daily basis. Even if I did not have the title "Family Group Leader", there is still a responsibility to higher living that I have been called to do as an older sister, an older Christian. Meditating on life over these months, I can come up with a fairly sizeable list of my own personal scandals. These character tests I failed, whether it was a subtle recurring thought here or a quiet omission of deed there. Oftentimes the only person that knew about these transgressions was me. What scares me more is that I usually only realized my failure in retrospect. This means that in my busyness I tricked myself into satisfaction, into complacency, into settling where I was.

I have left my heart out, and mold and grime has creeped its way in.

I guess I have been waiting for my big public infraction to emerge before I do any serious deep cleansing. I have subconsciously quantified my sins, allowing offenses that registered lower on my spectrum much more grace than I am allowed to give. Speaking of grace...that has been my punching bag, my neglected friend that I only acknowledge when I need something. I know the point is not to realize how much I suck. But for me to not police myself, to not ask God regularly for checks and balances behind closed doors--I might as well gorge myself on donuts because I reason that at least I'm not gorging on bacon.

I don't know what to do other than ask for forgiveness. I want to humble myself, even in the midst of having a title and/or respect from others. I want my private life to be even more holy than my public life. I want to listen to the cry of my own heart, of this creation that is yet groaning for sanctification. I want to know that God is answering this cry, even when I do not hear it. I want this tension between myself and my God to be something that I engage in actively, where I consistently check my nooks and crannies for intruders.
I want to be hollowed by the Hallowed.


*Remember me, O my God, for good.*
~Nehemiah